Coctomom

Reality doesn’t always work as theory intends. In theory, only the fittest survive the rigors of nature. In theory, Windows operating systems are free of bugs. In theory Jar Jar Binks is funny. Reality suggests that none of these statements are accurate. That’s not to say that plans weren’t well thought out, or even well executed. Inevitably, though, there are things that no amount of planning can overcome.

In theory, “Coctomom,” released by Devil’s Film and directed by Tom Moore, is a filmmaker’s dream. Not only is it a part of the porn spoof phenomenon, something that is very popular with the general public at the moment, but it also lampoons the Octomom, perhaps the most widely publicized pop culture fiasco in recent memory.

The film stars Vannah Sterling as tax dollar siphon and ultimate ward of the state Nadya Suleman. Sterling is one of the growing crop of hot-ass Janey-come-latelies currently infiltrating the porn industry. These women have given up their stifling lives and stagnant careers to experience the excitement and sexual liberation that only porn can afford. A decent supporting cast of Kurt Lockwood, Jack Lawrence, suddenly-everywhere guy Seth Dickens, and others also lend their talents to this set ‘em up and knock ‘em down affair.

The premise is rather simple: Coctomom takes a visit to the doctor (Kurt Lockwood) to determine if she is capable of having more kids. Lockwood is not actually her real doctor. He is, rather hilariously, a proctologist subbing in for her normal doctor, who happens to be away. Checking her stretched-out twat with a stethoscope (another funny moment), he determines that she is indeed fit for further child bearing. As he prepares a checklist of qualifications each sperm donor must have, he realizes he may just have the right stuff, so he offers to be donor #1. In yet another witty exchange, he proposes using a bunch of test tubes with which to collect the sperm samples and a cooler packed with dry ice to keep them cryogenically preserved. While there is no fucking in this scene, Sterling does perform a marathon blow job and jerk off session on the good doc, causing him to spray his pre-people onto her face and into the collection tube.

Each subsequent scene captures thick-bootied Sterling attempting to get her requisite eight samples. From some ass licking with her child’s principal (Dickens) to scooping a load off her tits with an off-duty cop (Lawrence) to a DP and cream pie session with a couple of thug lifers (Cuntre Pipes and Tone Capone), Coctomom carries out her misguided quest. Whether or not this film is intended to be a humorous re-enactment of actual circumstances or a portrayal of some unthinkable future is unclear. But, if one understands the selfish and megalomaniacal history of Suleman, the latter scenario makes the film a bit funnier, even the ridiculous method by which she fertilizes herself in-vitro. (I won’t spoil it here). Unfortunately, Suleman’s history is also what makes this film deviate from the divine results that happen when discussing theory.

The reality is that porn spoofs making fun of shows like “Bewitched” or “Three’s Company” or the “Brady Bunch” are great because the characters in the original shows are loveable. What hurts this spoof is that Suleman is such a reviled and repulsive woman in real life. It’s hard to find anything funny about someone so callous and so selfish. Sadly, you may find that not even good fucking can help offset that fact. What would have made this film great is to subject Coctomom to some heinous and bizarre end. It would be more befitting of the collective feelings the world has toward this witch. Imagine how this film would have gone over had she overdosed on collagen in her quest to look like Angelina Jolie or had she been bukkaked to death. Now, that would have been funny – in theory at least.