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As a film reviewer it is important never to come off as too literal. You never want to be that non-believing fucker (let’s call him “literal guy”) who calls out every far-fetched notion that presents itself on screen. When that happens, you just want to turn to literal guy and say, “Look, douche bag, we know that could never happen, but that’s not the point. Were you entertained?” The answer is usually “yes”.
That said, we’re going to get literal here for a moment. The title “Teen Anal Nightmare” is a good one. It conjures up all kinds of fleeting pictures and wicked images of young girls getting the snot fucked out of their tiny little asses. “Wait! That could never happen. Asses don’t have snot,” says the real literal guy. “Fuck you, douche bag!” say we. Anyway, there are a lot of huge black dicks ripping apart virgin assholes in this film as expected. But, to call them nightmare scenarios is a stretch. Daymares maybe. Even then, nightmares or daymares are something you can wake up from. These girls are getting fucked in the ass for real and cummed on for real and writing about it in their journals for real. If that weren’t enough, all of the scenes get into full effect mostly because the girls will it to happen. Only the last scene careens out of control, creating what might be a nightmarish result. But even that was caused by a virtue-less hussy who wanted her cake and to eat it too, but got poked in the pie instead, as you will see.
In the first scene, Amai Liu goes to her neighbor’s house for a swim. Liu is a relative newcomer to the porn scene. Part Chinese, she has the smooth, creamy skin and smallish features that are so appealing to lovers of Asian porn. Her interesting features, including cute little anthill tits, have created quite a buzz in her short time around the joint. It doesn’t hurt that she loves huge cocks up her bum. To which literal guys says, “But it does hurt. That’s why she’s letting out curdling screams while she screws that guy.”
“Fuck you, douche bag!” say we.
Liu is quite sexy and the film gives you some gracious angles of Nat Turner’s midnight stiffy ramming her cute ass doggy style. After riding him in reverse, she spins around into cowgirl like a basketball on the fingertip of a Globetrotter, cumming hard in the process. After that she gets a relatively long pig in her ass blanket right up until the point where Nat spurts a river of cum at the top of her butt crack. As she stoops on all fours, the flood slips into her anti-valley and drips off the end of her blood-flushed clit. In the end it creates a nice pussy glaze.
Uber slut Amy Starz is caught up in a narcotics dragnet as two long dicks of the law burst into her house to find the contraband. Some of it is going up her nose when they surround her, something you don’t see much of in porn these days. She tries to flush the evidence down the crapper, but she is dead to rights. Trying to cop pleas, she ends up pleasing cops as they try some old school interrogation techniques on her. Somehow, you get the sense that confessions back in the day were a rarity if those interrogations involved shoving large penises down throats. It’s hard to make a bird sing when it’s muzzled with dick. Nevertheless, Nat and Brutus go to work on the cavity search. Their drug sniffing cocks find some tongue, some molars, and some Lean Cuisine residue, but no contraband. So, they team up to search the pussy and asshole in a hearty DP shot. After that, Brutus wails on her tiny asshole as she sucks off Nat. Then they switch, Nat compacting her drippy slit with his giant meat tube. Both lawmen test out their ballistics, locking and loading all over Amy’s coked up maw.
Later, Judy Marie takes a DP from Nat and Rock the Icon. You have to watch this, if for no other reason than to hear her glass-shattering screams. She sounds like an amateur soprano practicing her scales before taking the stage. Mr. Marcus then takes on Thea Marie and Emma Heart in a good threeway. The shot to see is beefy Marcus hitting Emma’s vag from the rear while Emma goes to the city lapping up her friend’s pussy juices.
Lastly comes the truly nightmarish scene of the bunch. Holly Mae Holmes, who looks like she’s 18 going on 509, is supposed to go over to her friend’s house to wait for her. Her friend’s boyfriend is there shooting pool. Holly admits to having a crush on him, so when he hits on her, she is flattered. She gets more than she bargained for when he coerces her into sucking his cock. Though they both admit they won’t say a word, the same can’t be said about J Strokes’ gangsta buddies. Holly starts feeling a bit guilty and insists she is only there to wait for her friend. Strokes says that the plan has changed and they are waiting for his friends, all the while stuffing two fingers up her ass while she rubs her clit. The friends quickly arrive on scene. What follows is an orgy of cocksucking proportions with Holly choking down huge dick after huge dick. She follows that performance by taking a cock in her pussy, one in her ass and still another in her mouth. As she rides she shows off her used-up snatch, as her lips slide up and down like a vaginal foreskin. The boys all finish off by jacking their ‘gina jammers into her gaping mouth.
TAN is great if you like black cocks pounding white asses and DPs. The girls are not the hottest lot of pussy you’ll find, but they did avoid some of the bigger branches upon their falls from the tree. Amai is the cutest of the bunch, but don’t be surprised to see some breast implants soon should her star continue to rise. The general formula goes like this:
Percentage chance of implants = number of movie appearances multiplied by 1 and divided by the number of cocks fucked or P=S x 1/c. “That’s not true. There’s no formula for that,” says literal guy. “Fuck you, douche bag!” say we.