Celebrity Pornhab With Dr. Screw

Let’s bring you up to date: Mary Carey’s life is spiraling out of control. There. Now you’re informed.

More specifically, the porn star - turned - candidate for governor - turned - alcohol abuser - turned - reality show castoff - turned sham wife - turned - porn star once again has a bone to pick. It could have been anyone’s carcass. But she chose to go after the one person who was actually trying to help her get off her addiction to the sauce: Dr. Drew Pinsky.

Pinsky, as you recall, is the resident doc and host of VH-1’s Celebrity Rehab show on which Carey appeared in 2008. Carey has since lashed out at him repeatedly, blaming him for her return to porn. Under the circumstances, it’s hard to believe Carey’s return to smut-dom wasn’t imminent. Her blame game is the surest sign that her addictive personality has not yet been cured. Not surprisingly, her first feature, “Celebrity Pornhab with Dr. Screw,” is meant as a pot shot, for lack of a better term, on Pinsky’s credibility.

There is not really that much difference between Carey’s version of the show and the actual show. F-bombs, constant sniping, accusations and infighting are the order of the day. Pinched in between the cattiness and the open air roundtable discussions, however, are plenty of blowjobs, plenty of fucking and some very twisted sexual shenanigans that one would expect from burned out, reality-challenged rehab patients.

In the first scene, Ditsy Blowhan (Penny Flame) and Sniffy Sniffrock (Jack Vegas) from the band Skanktown are busy bemoaning the fact that only b-rate rehab facilities (like the one in which they now reside) don’t allow drugs on the premises. The exchange quickly takes a terrible turn when paranoid schlock rocker Sniffy accuses Ditsy of taking his “belongings”. She denies stealing his crack on numerous occasions, only to be told that it’s not crack, it’s “freebase”. This is one of the many running gags in the film. Tired of his finger pointing, Ditsy blurts out that she has stuffed his supply of narcotics into her pussy. To her delight, he strips off her clothes and sends in his drug sniffing tongue to search the premises. While he eagerly combs the vicinity, she then suggests it’s in her ass instead. He forgoes the temptation, instead telling Ditsy to take some hits from his crack pipe. The pipe is really his stiff prick, but in his paranoid delusion he can’t distinguish between the two. She devours the entire thing down to his balls. As he fucks her numerous times in CG, RCG, doggy and missionary, Dr. Screw Pussky (Mike Horner) busts into the room trying to get Ditsy to take on an acting role in his daughter’s new screenplay. Both tell the good doc to shut up so Sniffy can concentrate on unloading his cream all over Ditsy’s face, which he soon does. It drips off her chin onto her shapely rack, causing the two to forget their problems if only for a New York minute.

Other scenes in the film are very much like this one: smuggled contraband leads to fucking as an indictment of Dr. Drew’s supposed lack of institutional control with his patients. Seth Dickens, for instance, smuggles in vodka and a Ziploc baggie brimming with OxyContin for Hillary Muff (Aiden Starr). Seth pounces on Muff’s round, bouncy tits. Muff sucks his dick and lets him fucks her in missionary, and RCG, then in CG where she comes all over his meaty prick.

Then, athletic meathead Peto Whoretease (Jordan Lane) can’t lay off the performance juice, though ‘80s washout Excrete Neilson (Crista Moore) and former female wrestler Corea (Clare Dames) don’t seem to mind too much. They both engage in several sets of dick suck-downs, followed by cock squats. Corea even takes a champagne enema in this one, a must see for any fetish lover.

We soon realize the fix is in as Dr. Screw is doling out prescriptions haphazardly behind the scenes in addition to having trysts with his nurses’ aides and patients. Most notable is the doc’s threeway with nurse Audrianna Angel and Cock Rockaway (Kyle Stone). Stone pretty much steals the show in the short time he is on screen. His portrayal of Jeff Conaway is rather humorous despite the fact that the real life actor was seen by millions scraping absolute rock bottom on the original show. He delivers what are easily the best two one-liners. The first occurs right after the threeway with Dr. Screw and Audrianna. Cock (like the real Conaway) has been confined to a wheelchair because of his crippling addiction and back problems. Suddenly he becomes extremely mobile when he fucks Audrianna’s pussy from behind and extremely sturdy when he fires his load into her face, even standing completely upright in the process. As the scene fades to black, he is heard exclaiming, “Sex makes me walk!”

Later, during the last roundtable session, Dr. Screw informs the patients that they are not getting paid for their appearance on the show. To which Cock screams incredulously, “We don’t make money off this shit? People are laughing at me for free?”

Overall CPWDS has some funny moments. The casting is well done and there is a fair amount of resemblance to the actual characters. It might have come off a bit better if this had just been another honest attempt at a television spoof. Instead, Carey really tried hard to hurt someone the way she feels she has been hurt by her reality show experience. Sadly, this ploy will ultimately backfire.

“We’re gonna find out what makes A-list celebrities turn into F-list has-beens,” says Mary Carey during the intro. Laying blame on the blameless and trying to sully someone’s reputation in an attempt at revenge is certainly one way to do that.