Seasoned Players Meets Ass Eaters UnanimousFavorites [+]
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In towns across America, there is a concoction called a Luther Burger that is making serious inroads with regard to recreational eating. It is also causing some serious indigestion for those with a hankering for a hunk of heaven. Supposedly named after the late singer Luther Vandross, who revered it as one of his favorites, the burger combines two national institutions, the cheeseburger and the Krispy Kreme Donut, into one flavorful thrill ride. The behemoth is a 1,000-calorie menace that is high in sugar, cholesterol, fat and other unhealthy yet delicious additives and preservatives, which may explain why poor Luther's name now begins with "late". Why does this matter? Well, aside from the putrid irony of a sweet voice being silenced by something even sweeter, this example is also proof that two mutually exclusive powerhouses can co-exist independently and, when blended together, can make something just as good if not better. Just ask Tom Byron, who, with the release of "Seasoned Players Meets Ass Eaters Unanimous," attempts to combine two of his beloved porn institutions into something more grandiloquent and grandiose than ever.
Seasoned Players and Ass Eaters Unanimous are two long running, and very popular series that the King of Coochie has been loosing onto the porn craving public for some time. One focuses on MILFs, the other on dames who love to munch on bum. Both have been successful in their own right, serving up sinful female specimens with specific talents. With this release, Byron has chosen to fuse them into one massively debauched circus show. Everyone knows that greed has been the undoing of countless many since the dawn of civilization, so it seems rather risky to tempt fate by doing a porn mash-up that has the potential to alienate fans of either series. Efforts like this one can turn out like the Reese's chocolate and peanut butter experiment, or end up like Homer Simpson's nuts and gum abomination. So which is it?
Well, since we're on the topic of homers, this reviewer will be the first to say he's buying. Byron cues up a wondrous mixture of gorgeous, cum hungry women at their sexual peaks, who are fond of arguably the most servile act ever imaginable – anilingus. Take Tanya Tate, for instance. This sexy blonde has been in porn for only a year, but it is the only way she can get the hardcore sex that she desperately needs. The Liverpudlian has a killer accent and, depending upon how much of an erogenous zone your ear drums are, you might be able to get off just listening to her talk. It's when she goes for co-star Christian's asshole, that you may have to suture your stiffy in order to keep it from blowing. She is gentle and methodical and seems to be right at home down there. When she bounces up and down on his hard cock, however, that's when the fireworks really start. In fact, just hearing her say "bouncing up and down on your hard cock" is enough to drive you mad. She also takes him in mish, fingering her clit with one hand as she pries apart her pussy lips with the other. After that, she is behind him like a perverted quarterback lining up under center, probing his asshole once again. She spears it repeatedly with the point of her tongue all the while spewing forth reams and reams of dirty talk. She breaks for a quick side fuck and then it's back to licking his asshole. Christian can't hold out. Despite his legs vertical and his cock pointed directly at his face, he spurts uncontrollably. As a capper to this great scene, Tanya moves in like a sympathetic nurse tending to a wound and licks up the mess he has created. Then, like a mother robin to her young, she positions her mouth over his and lets it drip back into his mouth. It's the best scene in the film, though not the only good one.
Adrianna DeVille, a self-described part-time pornstar, is also in this one. Byron flips the script a bit, licking her ass for a spell before getting his dick sucked. Soon, his legs too are upright and she is jamming her tongue right into his asshole. In this scene you'll find some 69 and a shot of Adrianna jacking Byron's cock from behind while she explores his backside with her tongue. Byron is so charged up by the end, he launches his creamy projectiles right over her head, almost missing her beautiful face completely.
Sean Michaels and Gina Rome also go at it. She has been a 15-year obsession with him and he finally gets to do his thing with her. Of course, she is in control much of the time, two-fisting his huge prick and cradling the head with her cylindrical tongue. There is a touch of spanking and Gina's plentiful pubes for those who are into that. Michaels' cum fountain takes a moment to get going, but once it starts, it's quite a sight.
Hunter Bryce, at 28, is an exception to the 30-year rule that typically qualifies a girl as a seasoned player. She makes up for the lack of seasoning, however, with a habit of squirting. She is youthful and possesses a lot of energy, tearing into his cock like a sugar addict to a Milky Way bar. Her gruff cackling seems a bit odd and inappropriately timed in parts, but you won't care when she leaks fluid onto Christian's dick and licks it off, or swallows up the load pulsating from his prick.
Finally, you'll get to see Raylene, who is back from a 5-year hiatus in real estate. She certainly covers a lot of Byron's with her expert tongue, starting at his front porch and circling around to his dark well out back.
Lovers of Gonzo, MILF and Anal will dig this hybrid collection of rear-wheel drive hussies doing what they do best. Byron has been at this career for nearly three decades and he just has developed a keen eye, nose and mouth for what will work and what won't. At times his films can be formulaic, but when you're the only male talent, you like what you like and the tendency is to do it over and over. In SPMAEU he has added some male talent to the line-up to provide more variation and intrigue. The interviews are generally light-hearted and they don't bog down the overall presentation. Plus, this reviewer has almost always found out some little nugget about the stars that he didn't know before.
There's no telling if this is a one off thing or if Byron is going to become even more of a mad scientist. Like Abbott and Costello meets the Wolfman or Scooby-Doo meets the Globetrotters, there is always the chance that Masturbation Nation could mesh with his House of Ass series, or POV Cocksuckers could coalesce with Lord of Asses. Here's hoping that Byron doesn't get too clever for his own good, because for every Luther Burger, there are 1,000 Bic Underwears waiting to bring everything crashing to the ground.