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TITLE: Texas Asshole Massacre
Salome, Gia Paloma, Isabel Ice, Dirty Harry, Kat, Kelly Wells, Alias, Kris Slater, and Sascha.
Texas Asshole Massacre is one of those entertaining porn that confuses you, in a good way. You don’t know whether it’ll make you horny, laugh or both at the same time. Either way, this movie pulls you in, making you love every sex scene and (especially) those in between. This is also the kind that you talk about and laugh along with your office buddies during coffee break.
On another level, there is something a bit unsettling here. By using a horror spoof as a starting point, Ivan -- the director -- shows how the porn industry readily diminishes itself as an inferior sibling to the legitimate and much larger Hollywood movie industry. There are a lot wisecracks and asides that parodies themselves to the point of shamefulness. And with an ending that shows the porn industry killing their own, it’s a bitter truth that’s generously sugarcoated with comical vignettes and steamy sex scenes.
“Texas Asshole Massacre” tells the story of the owner and operator of Hollywood’s Official Starlets Agency, Texas, played by a sublimely over-the-top Salome, and the secrets that happen within its doors. Texas starts the movie with a wacky infomercial inviting young “ignorant and slutty porn chicks” to become future porn stars. If she takes a girl under her wing, the girls will live with her in the mansion, where they will be trained and built up to be of greater stature. Little do these ladies know that Texas has an ulterior motive and it might endanger their lives. As a porn movie, I didn’t really expect a story, let alone having funny bits. But to my amazement, Ivan strung together a coherent series of events and weaved them into the sex scenes to create something very rare: funny narrative porn! So if you like your porn augmented with a nice story, then this one will be your cup of tea.
Blonde stud, Alias, drives two new recruits: Kat and Gia Paloma over Texas’ ranch. For a change, we get to see these two porn chicks in a different setting. Well, actually, we get to see more of them carrying a conversation besides “Yes”, “oooh” and “Give me that cock!” We also get to know their less-than-sparkling personalities. Kat is this ratty skank who prides herself for being nominated five times for “Best Anal”. I think she’s out of her noodle. But then again, sex with a slightly loony pussy is always a plus! Kat, on the other hand, is your garden variety Southern California airhead of mixed parentage. She’s more interested off cam than on it. There’s no fucking at the start of the movie, but a gearing up for the sex scenes. From the start, the real star of the show is an over-the-top Salome. She carried this movie on her shoulders and did fantastically well. The first few minutes with her sets the mood and warms us up for more mayhem.
Kat steps inside the house and is entranced to hear banjo music playing. Her inner hick beckons her to the source. She follows the music to find Kris Slater playing the banjo though he doesn’t look the type. He manages to show us his gift of gab though, by talking his way into getting her undressed, using a cockamamie excuse that future porn directors should get comfy with the camera pointing at her first, before getting behind it. And like most Southern Californian girls, she took it hook, line and sinker! Both gave a horny execution of the missionary, doggy style, reverse cowgirl, and cowgirl. Their little acting session ends with him shooting jism into her mouth.
We go back to the truck as Alias and Gia finally get their privacy for a hot session of flesh harmonica playing. But this respite is short-lived as Texas intervenes. She collars the horny little bitch and pushes her into her bedroom. Once inside, Gia gasps at the horrors tucked behind the cute photo albums that Texas has lovingly assembled.
We then shift to a pissed off Dirty Harry (posing as fucked up Vietnam vet) recreating Goldilocks and the Three Bears. He is the Three Bears to Isabel Ice's Goldilocks. Dirty Harry is out for blood. Someone has broken into his house and ate his bowls of chili! Sooner than we can cough “Vietnam vet psycho white trash”, he finds Lindsay Lohan-lookalike Isabel Ice in the living room, rubbing her tummy and licking her lips. Ooooooh! She hastily admits to the crime, and gets accused of being a murderous gook! Now, this might sound alarming at first, but Dirty Harry’s tirade is hilarious! He uses the word “fuck” as a preposition. Isabel Ice can only roll her eyes and attempts to placate the foul-mouthed s.o.b. with sex. This is one of the highlights of the movie. Before getting an extra helping of chili using his cock as a spoon, Isabel Ice gets more than what she bargained for. We get to see the whole gamut of the usual sexual positions. Isabel is a real trooper after all. In the end, we are treated to a nifty role reversal as Isabel cuts him down to size.
The movie then goes back to our lead, delivering a half-crazed monologue. In it, Texas reveals more about herself than we’d ever care to know! After separating horny couple Gia Paloma and Alias, she ties Alias up in the kitchen as she reheats a batch of hot chili (which suspiciously has a glaring symbolism that I can’t figure out). She suddenly gets into Joan Crawford mode again when a dildo and other trash turn up in the chili. She pounces about, bitching and moaning about her life while Alias looks on, worried about his safety. Thank God, this is a porn movie and instead of hacking Alias to manageable bits, Texas masturbates and gets it on with the black dildo she discovers in the chili pot. Following the adage “misery loves company”, Texas forces herself on Alias as they finally make a transition from psychotic episode to unrepentant fornication! Funny considering that Texas gets mellower and mellower during bouts of doggy style, cowgirl and missionary. Who would’ve known sex would be her therapy? In the end, Alias releases his man mayonnaise in a nearby bowl of chili which Texas soon shoves down her hungry mouth. I’ll never look at chili the same way again. Damn you, Salome!
My favorite porn star Kelly Wells finally makes an appearance. This vignette is a cautionary tale about a curious cat, and we know all what curiosity can do to a cat. I really warmed up to this Shelley Long look-a-like. Not only was she funny in “Bride Bang”, she made me look her way with her ability to perform endurance fucking. Unfortunately, she’s hopelessly underused here. The first few minutes we see Kelly do a Nancy Drew (even though we don’t really know why she’s there in the first place) and finding more hilarious things about Hollywood’s Official Starlets Agency. When she finds proof of what happens to the girls in Texas’ little hideaway, Sascha bumbles his way into the scene and catches her in the act. Hoping to distract the goon, she kneels down and gives him a good suck. The sex here is long and arduous, but Kelly managed to be a great foil with their renditions of cowgirl, spread eagle, and doggy style. Though her cum gargle may take some getting used to, you wish she could stay a little longer. A transition scene reveals to us what thing is hidden in Texas’ house. The plot thickens!
We return to Gia Paloma, still spooked about what she sees in the photo album. Texas comes back to roughen the poor little girl and gags her. Texas then shoves her to the “loving” cock of Sascha. Despite her protestations, Sascha transforms her mouth into a makeshift vag. As further punishment, Texas orders Sascha to only fuck Gia in the vag because Gia’s can only do anal. Things get hotter for Texas that she dives right in for a threesome. The three play a sexual bedside version of “Twister”. Gia gives her lame attempt to look distressed, complaining that all she sees is ass. Texas can only slap her and force her into more complicated knots with their bodies. More bedroom antics ensue to get us off on their last sendoff before they reach the impending climax. A notable excerpt is when Texas sits on Gia’s face just to shut her up. A creative way to do the deed, but sadly, you can only do in porn. After Sascha finally shoots his loads and promptly exits, Texas finds the monster dildo under the bed and is about to do away with Gia. But she manages to escape. In a funny ending that’s a bit similar to the original movie, Gia runs out of the house, running naked into the freeway with a screaming Texan in hot pursuit. Texas raises the monster dildo in a hilarious Benny Hill homage around the lawn. A car suddenly appears and scoops her from harm’s way. Texas can only raise her fist in anguish. I assure you, you'll be in stitches with this one, before stroking a few.