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Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre is the Scary Movie of the porn world. When I hear the word porno, I think of a fuck fest, nothing but sex, a genre in which they may attempt characterization or dialogue but it's no better than five-year-olds playing house. Camp Cuddly is so much more than that. Like the Scary Movie series you don't walk away astounded by the dramatic skills of a Shakespearian trained actor, but you do laugh so hard you can't breathe.
This was by no means regulation porn, rather more like a mainstream movie with gratuitous sex scenes. It explained away scenes where sex was randomly had with perfectly logical explanations. Such as the insane asylum was also home to wayward strippers- they'll strip you before you realize it if you let your guard down. And the mainstream world can't say it doesn't have wanna-be starlets screwing directors for a shot in the limelight. The rest of the movie, what else would you expect from college kids who are horny and drunk and in the middle of nowhere?
I found this movie intensely amusing; the only thing it lacked was the token black guy. It had two jocks, the ditzy cheerleader, the creepy boy/geek and the tough bitchy chick. It even had an epilogue scene when the survivor has moved on and is supposedly safe. Camp Cuddly was genuinely funny and the actors all stayed in their character's roles. I think I laughed as much watching Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre as I did watching the last Scary Movie. It's a movie I have already recommended to all my friends, even those who don't watch porn.
The spoofs range from Halloween all the way to American Beauty. The acting doesn't matter because the whole point of the film is to mock; yet the lines were well spoken. The dialogue kept the movie going and gave reasoning behind various sex scenes.
This movie offers something even more priceless than Oscar-worthy acting: it offers quotable lines! There are two quotes and their surrounding context in this movie that I love. These cine-gems were occurring as early as right after the first sex scene when all five main characters are in the back of the van:
Creepy boy: "Umm, just kinda curious, who's driving the van?"
Jock #1: "Don't worry dude, I put it on cruise control! (pause) Holy shit!"
At which point they run to the front seats screaming just in time to hit the movie's innocent bystander by accident, for the first time.
In scene 5, my second favorite quote appears.
Indian Spirit Guide: "Do you know how long it's been since I've had a white man's dick or a forked tongue up my ass?"
Jock #2: "Uhhh, honestly, I've never been with an Indian girl before, or a ghost."
Indian Spirit Guide: "Shhh, I'm sick of the white man's reservations. Consider this the first Thanksgiving pilgrim."
There are at least seven mainstream flicks to be found in Camp Cuddly. Can you figure out which movie goes with which scene or character?
1. The creepy boy with a camcorder constantly in hand who enjoys stalking an equally dark girl thrives in this film. The main difference: when he finally beds the object of his affection, the sex is a whole lot better. She doesn't flash him from across the street; she records his cock pounding her snatch for him. An added bonus, the creepy kid gets to screw the ditzy blonde cheerleader as well. Though it was in a separate scene, he still screwed both of them.
2. Wow. Five college kids travel across the desert in the middle of nowhere on the way to a "Metallicide" concert when their van mysteriously breaks down. A saw is used to kill a couple of them and the mask looks awfully fleshy towards the end of this flick.
3. It may be the middle of the desert but they still manage to accidently run over a man wearing a fisherman's slicker . . . three times. This corpse then disappears but is later found by the local authorities in a ditch partially eaten by wild animals. Of course we don't see the body, but we're told its state by the local cop.
4. Why wouldn't you do this if you had a camcorder? Two of the boys stumble upon strange symbols hanging in the trees; they then hear their friend's voice get freaked out and go running. It's at this point when we see through the lens of the camcorder and re-live the horror of an unstable camera running about and two men crying like babies about how they're going to die. The great part comes when they get back to the van, which is being shaken from the outside; they declare their love for each other. The bad news (or good news depending upon how you feel): the girls open up the van door to see them cowering before we can see some mano-a-mano action.
5. The background of the killer includes the fact that in 1958, on Halloween, after watching his sister and her boy toy do the deed (again much better action than in the mainstream film) he stole the boyfriend's mask and killed his sister. After the boyfriend left, the killer wears the mask while killing his sister with an electric pumpkin carver. This is the same mask the killer wears throughout the film, and I think it's safe to say he didn't kill any virgins.
6. When one of the few remaining guys, Jock #1 to be precise, is sent out to find firewood he instead finds a well, and a girl climbs up out of this well (in a jerky pattern) and proceeds to buff his wood. Sadly when she tries to convince him to go back to her well he accuses her of being clingy and attempting to extend a one-time fling. If only his girlfriend wasn't the tough bitch character he may have managed to stay in the house, send the creepy boy to worry about a chick's head spinning 360 degrees while getting a blowjob.
7. As the "tough bitch" of the group is fleeing the killer, she mysteriously runs through the one section of woods that receives a cellular signal. She then receives a call from a mysterious man who is supposedly watching her. She busts into a few dance moves (instead of picking her nose) to make him prove he's watching her. What follows is, of course, her death.
Were you able to figure out which was which? Make sure you watch Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre to make sure you got the answers right. What? You weren't expecting me to tell you the answers, were you? I'm telling you this movie has plot, dialogue and some actual acting skills. If worse comes to worst it still has six sack sessions that you're bound to enjoy. If there was ever a movie that had the title of pornography you should watch with your friends, this is it.