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This is the start of a review. You are reading the review. The review is about a movie. The movie was good. Do you know what other things are good? Candy, skeletons, defibrillators, Sacajawea coins, doughnuts, elephants, potholders, steam, propane, propane accessories, purses, goggles, cantilevered blinds, wainscoting, hooch, flags, umbrellas, burlap…look, there's a penis.
Okay, if that isn't the worst opening to a porn movie review in the history of mankind, then it's an awfully close second. It's important to point this out because that is the kind of set-up you can expect to find in the opening salvo of "Lexington Steele's Heavy Metal 7." Thankfully, it doesn't last too long and the film gets right to the fucking as will we.
The first scene stars Tory Lane. As a former dancer, with years of ballerina lessons under her belt, Tory shows off her insane flexibility by throwing her leg over a living room partition. Her pussy lips show off their own levels of stretch-ability when they part ways to take on Lex's monstrously big, monstrously black, monstrously thick twat javelin. Soon, she is splayed out on the floor like the limber, serpentine whore she is, suckling the head of his cock like a yearling to a rubber nipple. This bear of a man gives Tory a hug of similar namesake, further driving home his girth-laden point. Later, Tory can be seen riding his cock with grace and elegance…um, no. In fact, she spazzes all over his shit, bumping and grinding and yelling nasty things as the lining of her pussy gets drawn out of and pushed back into her damp recess. He calms her down by inserting his Lincoln Log into her puckered up asshole, but that only lasts for a short while. She continues to spew filth from those pretty lips, even going so bold as to scare the hell out of her tonsils and uvula when she takes his gigantic dark dong into her throat. None of it, however, beats the face basting she endures when Lex coats her face in jizz.
In case you hadn't already made the connection, "Heavy Metal" refers to Steele's gargantuan 'tater poker. There is a touch of metal music during the opening credits, but that is a pretty loose connection. Regardless, Flower Tucci likes all sorts of industrial raw material wedged into her bum. Despite the fact she is about to get a heaping portion of Steele, she is already jamming some glass into her rectum. Thankfully, the large, cylindrical shard is molded perfectly like a dildo. Lex spears her pussy to the breaking point, causing this squirt queen to dribble her girl juice down the head of his dick. Next, he stuffs her mouth and then does her doggie style. Lex takes command of the ribbed pink tool and eases it into her ass, then eases his dick back into her pussy. As he fucks her ass in mish, Flower feverishly rubs her pussy to several squirtgasms, pelting both Lex and the camera guy. Through the droplets of girl cum clinging to the camera lens you can see Lex turning on his dick faucet and cleansing her maw with a drippy stream of sperm.
Lex also anal bombs Clare Dames and Anita Blue in this one. Clare's demolition comes outdoors on the back porch. She sports a leather bustier, thigh-high stockings and shoulder length leather gloves, which should appeal to fetishists. There is some ball sucking and a hefty heaping of nostril sealant dispensed during her facial. Anita preps her ass with a dildo that resembles a curling iron at first glance. She is a total slut and wants Lex's epic cock in her ass. Anita takes it a step further, wanting to "suck her ass juices off his cock." While we admire her filthy sentiment, it sounds like someone may want to scale back on the fiber intake a smidgen. As the scene proceeds, Anita's whininess will start to take hold, snuffing out your will to live. But Lex fights on, lifting her off the ground, bludgeoning her pussy and then stabbing the back of her throat with his mega-meat. She counters by trying to bite through his nut sack, but Lex tases her with several bolts of highly-charged cum. Still she whines, this time about wanting to taste his pre-people. He tries to ignore her, but he is at the brink. Lex musters every ounce of strength he has left, sticks his cock back into her ass and hammers away until he is satisfied and she is quiet. This time it's personal.
HM 7 is a decent return to a wildly popular series. It had been on hiatus for roughly five years, but that is somewhat understandable considering Lex is a busy, busy man these days. Though he has lots of irons in the fire, he managed to bottle some of that fire and unleash it on set. Those of you big into Anal Sex, Squirting and Interracial affairs will find the latest installment of this series a good addition to the ol' collection. Do you know what other things are good? Bicycles, ripcords, asphalt, Parcheesi, semiquavers, nougat, crepes, scrimshaw, Patrick Swayze, rope, alabaster…look, there's a vagina.